The Different Types Of Love There Are – Words By Chelsea Fagan

In our increasingly border-less society, we all come into contact, in one way or another, with people who don’t share our love language. Be them family members, friends or lovers, that intimate disconnect makes itself apparent every time you touch, speak or share. Someone desires more while the other unintentionally gives less. Someone wants less while the other offers much more than is wanted in the first place. Love is a funny thing! This article, written by Chelsea Fagan of Thought Catalogue (a website devoted to relevant, relatable & creative thought), exposes this reality but offers much-needed solace in acknowledging that just because your love language isn’t identical to that of someone else, it does not mean that love isn’t there. Enjoy! 

There are certain aspects of relationships which are never a question of blame, but always a question of hurt. When we love someone who doesn’t show their love in the same way — who can’t quite understand the things we need from them — it will always feel like a terrible defeat, even if it is no one’s fault. We have all had friends who aren’t as touchy-feely as us, or who don’t recognize certain things that may hurt our feelings, or aren’t good about getting back by phone. We’ve had the lover who just didn’t enjoy spooning, with whom it always felt like something of a personal insult when you were relegated to separate sides of the bed. We have had the family member whom we often saw through a wall of our own inability to comprehend one another, with whom communication was always occurring on two very disparate wavelengths that the other couldn’t tune into. It’s a fact of life, but that doesn’t make it any less sad when it happens.

I can remember feeling deeply wounded by a friend once because I felt that, whenever I tried to express my genuine affection, she became uncomfortable or distant. She didn’t seem to know how to reciprocate it, or even make sense of it. When things were light and we were laughing, there was no one else we’d rather be with — but when it came time for a deeper moment of confession or gratitude, I seemed to be speaking a language that she had only learned basic conversational phrases in. When I would talk to her about things I had felt slighted by, or ways in which she would communicate more articulately, she seemed to feel attacked and to want to retreat into herself. She would apologize, but it was clear that she wasn’t fully sure what she was apologizing for.

And it wasn’t until I began looking for reasons why this might be that I realized all of the myriad ways in which she was demonstrating her love for me every day, ways which I didn’t automatically perceive because I would not have done the same thing. But I only needed to look through our email exchanges for example, seeing how nearly every day she had sent me something she thought I would find funny, or tell me something that had happened in her life and ask my advice on it, to see that she was saying how much she cared. When she would write messages to check up when I was hurt about something unrelated, even if the wording was rather sparse, it was clear that she was concerned about me and wanted to make sure that I was okay. It was clear that, while my love was expressed in broad conversations and declarations, hers was expressed in humor. It was in little moments of attentiveness, of remembering me, of asking questions to which she genuinely wanted the answer. Her love for me was clear, but expressed in a very different way.

These differences are based as much in who we are as people as the kind of relationships we are looking for in life. Some of us love touch, some of us love deep conversations, some of us love humor. We are allowed to love all three — and a million more things — all in as many variations as we want. My friend is naturally a more reserved person emotionally, and I tend to be more expressive, but this doesn’t mean that either of us love the other one less. And if another friend gives me an overlong hug and I tense up (true life: hugs tend to make me uncomfortable, I don’t know why, deal with it) it doesn’t mean I’m not happy to see them. I just don’t demonstrate my affection in that way. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

There are people who show their care by making people feel like welcome, tended to guests. They love having people over and making things perfect for them, reminding them that anything they want is no problem. There are people who use humor to bridge the gaps that we can’t always reach in literal terms — they make people laugh when they need it most, and connect with them over things they both enjoy. There are people whose love pours out in complicated, profound words. They could fill books on the way their partner looks when they just wake up, or how much they love spending time with their best friend. People love to cook for the ones they love, or do favors, or pamper them, or compliment them, or just hold their hand in silence. And none of these demonstrations of emotion are wrong, or bad. None are not worthy of being acknowledged and appreciated.

The truth is that there will be a million people in your life who actually don’t love you, whose dismissal of your feelings or tendency to ignore what you want are rooted in genuine apathy. They are everywhere, and make navigating our emotional lives even more complicated. But there are also many people who do love us, and who want to show us, but just may not be able to do it in the way we most want to hear. And it’s important to distinguish between the two, to look at the things people are actively doing for us and take account of the things we’re lucky to have in them. Because we are lucky to have love — in any of its forms — and no way of saying “I love you” should be forgotten about.

My questions:

• Have you ever experienced a relationship where your love was not reciprocated in the way you desired? 

• Have you opened your eyes to the different ways in which people show their love to you? 

Share your comments below. Don’t be scared, I’d love to hear from you. 

Stuck @ Home & BORED out of your mind?!

For the past three weeks back in Trinidad spending time with my family, I’ve found myself alone a lot of times. Especially on weekdays when my parents are out at work, my sister is at school and most of my friends are either at university or at work. It seems like no one has had time for me. Sometimes there was this little taunting voice in the back of my head asking ‘Why do I feel so neglected’. It’s so embarrassing to admit but I’ve had many VIP parties the past few weeks. The 1^st week that I found myself stuck at home, bored and itching to do something with my time, that annoying little voice was so loud and boisterous. That’s because I’m sooo used to being around others, having a plan and acting upon it (I’m a planner down to my bones). So when I got here for vacation and found myself unexpectedly having a lot of free alone time, I didn’t know how to appreciate this spontaneity. And for those of you who can relate, you know that the worst thing sometimes is to be surrounded by people who do active things without you on a daily basis and then proceed to talk to you about them: they go to work, they go to school, they always socialize somewhere with friends, and the list goes on. Then after boasting about how great or productive their day was they come asking you…’how was your day?’ *pin drops in the near distance* Your brain begins to work overtime wondering how exactly you should answer that question without sounding lame and uninteresting. So if you’re stuck at home due to illness, injury, unemployment, or whatever the case may be, and you’re anything like me, you want to sound a bit more interesting although you barely do anything with your day.  These ‘tricks of the trade’ as I like to call them can make your day a lot more enjoyable just by using the resources that you have in your very home.

*Disclaimer: This list is not exhaustive. There is so much that you can do to brighten up a lonely day at home. If you have any suggestions to add to this list, feel free to add your ideas in the comment box. I’d love to hear from you 🙂

Journal/Blog:

Have you got a book journal, blog or simple notebook where you open up and talk about just about anything that happens in your life? Your discoveries…how you felt about this…what you said about that…the best thing that happened this week…the worst thing that happened this week…you get the drift. Use this quiet time to meditate, contemplate and let your feelings unravel through your fingertips and onto the blank sheet of paper or clear computer screen. Write about anything that is affecting you regardless of content. The key is to be real with yourself and just get lost in your writings. However long this period of alone time lasts, I can bet you that by the end of it you will discover so much about yourself that you never knew before.

Curl up with a good book or movie

If you’re a book lover like me, you can curl up and get started on the book that you have always been meaning to read. If it’s going to be a long stay at home, why not read a lengthy book? War and Peace or Gone with the Wind tickle your fancy? If not, you can obviously still choose to read any book you like. Re-read all of the Harry Potter books, the Twilight books, all novels written by Charles Dickens…whatever makes you happy. But if reading isn’t really your thing, creating an excellent DVD collection with some of your favourite actors , directors or genres and relaxing with some popcorn, pillows and a blanket can be the best way to spend a lazy day in. Take off the lights, draw the curtain and create your own at-home-cinema. Whether it be enjoying a good book or a good movie, I can guarantee that you will thoroughly take pleasure in these days at home.

Cook a nice family meal

Mom & Dad, hubby or roommate are out while you’re in? Why not use the free hours that you have before they return home to do something special for them? Cook them a nice meal! Coming home from a hard day at work ain’t easy, so surprising them with a home-cooked meal would make them feel appreciated and make you feel appreciated by them as well. It’s a win-win!

Tap into your creative side

Learn a new hobby or craft. Photography? Sewing? Knitting? Painting? Baking? There are so many hobbies out there, and lots of online resources and books that can get you started. So why not choose something interesting and see how far you can sink your teeth into it.

Do something that you’ve always wanted to do

You’ve wanted to do this for a really long time. It’s that nagging thought in the back of your mind begging you to pay it some attention. Making your own music, directing, writing that novel, painting a picture, starting your own business, investing in stocks, making your own jewellery…whatever it is, NOW is the best time to start. After all, you’ve got lots of time on your hands haven’t you?

Get fit

Go for a run around your community early in the morning, pull out and dust off those old-school aerobic videos  or dvds and get pumping, or put on some of your favourite beats and dance around all day to the lively music. Staying at home does not mean lounging on the couch, being lazy and eating all day because you have nothing better to do. Most times it should mean getting off our butts and working ourselves into shape. A minimum on 10 minutes a day, most days a week is all it takes. By the time we venture out into the open air again we’d be feeling so confident and so high on self-esteem people may not even recognise us. Our lives may never be the same again.

Call up a friend

Just because we’re home alone does not mean we literally have to isolate ourselves from everyone else. There must be someone, somewhere that we should touch base with. Why not pick up the phone and have a friendly conversation with someone you haven’t spoken to in a while; or invite that person over if it’s possible. You never know, they may be feeling a bit left out and lonely like you. Everyone needs friends.

Redecorate

Re-arrange the furniture and belongings that you already own to create a new touch to your place. It can be in a specific room or all of the rooms in your house. You can even decide to sew new curtains for your windows or cushions for your chairs (see tips 4&5) and throw out the old ones. Or if you can afford it, plan an even bigger decorating or re-modelling project for a part of your house that needs a good facelift. Nothing adds warmth, freshness and happiness to a home like a makeover. 

* “Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.” –Jim Rohn*

Self – Discovery

For those of you who kept up with my travel blogs, overall my trip to Cebu, Philippines was amazing. I enjoyed diving straight into a different culture, eating native dishes and learning to speak a new language I’d never even heard of before. It was undoubtedly a life changing experience for me because it opened my eyes to a totally different way of life and I learned so much about myself, others and life in general.

Here are the top 5 things that I learned while in South East Asia:

–          Filipinos are the friendliest people you will ever meet! Whether you are a stranger or the closest friend, Filipinos will always embrace you, include you and adopt you as one of their own

–          Regardless of how poor some Filipinos are they have the biggest smiles, the lightest hearts and are simply happy to be alive for another day. Lots of them do not wear poverty on their faces. Quite unlike us first-worlders who can buy just about anything that we want but still appear to be cold, unfriendly and complain about the smallest things. This realization definitely humbled me and put certain things in my life into perspective

–          I seriously enjoy travelling! I love meeting new people, seeing new places and learning about the history and culture of a country. It turns me on!

–          I can do anything that I set my mind on. I usually doubt myself and set my sights low when it comes to the things that I’d like to achieve in life, but the mere fact that I travelled half-way across the world on my own, camped out in the mountains, did a bit of motivational speaking, attempted to speak a totally new language, made the strongest of bonds with people I didn’t even know despite our language barrier and managed to blog about the entire experience proves to me that if I want something I really can go get it. I am a winner!

–          Cebu is SUCH a gorgeous island! Beautiful beaches…scorching sunshine…beautiful people…and vogue fashions…I simply could not get enough!

But I wonder, which country should I go to next?